At 12:24pm on Tuesday July 21, 2009 I lost my grandma. I had a doctor's appointment that morning. I came home around 11:15, walked downstairs to tell my sister Ellie that I am home, thanks for watching grandma in the morning. The week before my grandma started going down hill. She was probably getting a phenomia, common in old people. Her chest each day was filling up with more and more congestion in which she did not have the strength to clear it up. This resulted in little interaction and even less verbal communication. Imagine you have to clear your throat, but you can't. That is why my grandma was dealing with. However, even with that discomfort, she still managed to be the most positive person I know. We were using a syringe at that point to have her at least take a little juice, to maybe make her throat feel better. She still blew you a kiss and mouthed 'i love you'. Monday night was the last conversation I had with her. I had a feeling the 21st would be her last day, as my grandpa died April 21st and I just thought with the numbers and all, God would take her that day. I wish I listened to myself and asked her many more questions or told her so many other things. All things which I know I already did tell her or ask. As I sat in the room with her, making she she was comfortable I went about my day. I did little things, like send a daily e-mail to Andrew, or check facebook. I then stood up to make sure she was still holding Saint Teresa in her hand. As I went to put the saint, that was now fallen in her lap, I lifted up her hand to see her fingers purple. Obviously, I knew this wasn't good. My dad was home and I called to him to come home, he checked her pulse and told me to call mom as it was slowing down. I paged my mom. My mom took the following day, Monday, off. I told her to take Tuesday off because of the 21st, but she was torn because she thought what if I have to take more days of work later on. Dumb job of hers. So she went to work. As soon as I ran back downstairs grandma was taking her last breathe, her hand in my dads with Ellie, Dan and I in the room. As I stood there looking at my grandma it didn't seem real. I mean I watched her chest not move up and down. I watched no smile or kisses coming from her, but yet I thought she was just finally getting a good sleep in and no longer in pain. Even when they finally came and took her body away, it didn't seem real. The service for my grandma was on Friday morning. As I walked into the viewing, I saw my grandma for the first time since Tuesday. She had the sparkly dress on that she wore to my sister's wedding. Her hair was nice, she had her glasses on, her watch and even some lipstick on. Her nails still looked good from when I painted them. My first reaction was tears, but then I stopped and held it together, through the whole day even when reading my eulogy. As my aunt and uncle are still here, taking care of business stuff I try to be strong. I try to notice the quietness of the house. I try not to notice that I have no reason to go on the other side of the house now. I try to not notice the fact that I will never see my grandma again. But then it becomes too much, like now where tears overwhelm my face and neck. An overload of memories are striking my thoughts. I want my grandma back. I want everything of her back. I want her body, her humor, her laughter, her smile, her eyes, her indecisiveness, her hugs, her kisses, her words and her love. She wanted more than anything to be my grandpa again and therefore I know I have selfish thoughts, but I am/was not ready to let her go. I think one of the hardest parts is that my grandma was my job. Everyday I had with her and now that she is gone, I have no job, which is a constant reminder that I miss her sooo much. I know she is in peace and looking down on me, but it does not make it any easier. I am struggling and I am not sure how to cope. Below is the eulogy I wrote for my grandma. I had a easier time reading it, then writing what I just did.
My friend heard someone say this: "God is never in a rush, God is always on time." This quote not only affected my friend, but played a part in my grandma’s life. My friend pointed out that my grandma had truly found the way of Gods life. My grandma’s patience in her life was never rushing time. She had faith in God that is rarely seen in people now adays. "God is always on time." God did not rush to take my Grandma after my Grandpa. He knew it was time for my grandpa to rest, but yet God knew that grandma was still strong enough to survive this life on earth. He gave my family and I time to share with her and get to know her and create loving memories. Grandma was not meant to leave any day earlier because she had SO much to offer to the world. The following is what I learned from this amazing woman I am blessed to call Grandma.
First off, she was the most patient person I have ever met. I learned this about her when I was just a little girl. My family vacations were usually to Ohio every summer to visit grandma and grandpa for 2 weeks. In the past few days I have been reminiscing with my siblings and parents about how wonderful these trips were. I remember getting off the plane and walking to the baggage claim to see grandpa waiting for us with open arms, and grandma sitting down with exciting eyes and a huge smile. The long trip back to their house was always worth it because we knew grandma always had a tub of ice cream in the freezer and butterscotch cookies ready for us. I loved how grandma was always cooking. Her signature dish was homemade chicken noodle soup. The noodles were made from scratch, which I tried to help make, or just help getting flour everywhere. But the mess did not matter, because she was my patient grandma.
My grandma’s faith was extraordinary. She dedicated her life to God. She went to church every day, and even when it got harder for her to go, she still found ways to meet with God. After breakfast she said it was time to go to church. She would finish her coffee and say her morning prayers. She always carried one of her saints in her pockets, while the rest were lined up by her bed waiting for her. When my grandpa died, she got mad at her saints and turned their backs towards her because she believed they let her down. She’s thanking those saints right about now because she has been reunited with my grandpa! She always said her rosary before bed and said grace before dinner. Her love for God reflected in her own life through her actions and words. I only hope that someday I too can be on the same level of peace and understanding as my spiritual grandma.
To me, grandma was like the saints she had by her side. She was the most loving woman I knew. No matter who you were, she loved you and missed you. She welcomed everyone with a smile and a hello. Even if she didn’t know you, she cared about you and would tell you she misses you when you would leave. The thing about grandma is that, she didn’t even have to say anything to show her love. Her presence gave off a calm loving feeling. Just being in the room with her made any person feel so special.
My grandma was full of happiness. She expressed it all over her face and gestures. She said she was always “just fine” no matter what was going on. She loved giving waves and giving her specialty, which was blowing kisses. She always told others that she loved them and always laughed with you, even if she didn’t understand it or think it was funny.
Within the past 4 years, I have had the privilege of taking care of my grandma. At first, this was weird for me because I was so used to growing up and having my grandma take care of me as her grandchild. However, this turned into a HUGE blessing in which I will forever be grateful. I developed a unique bond with my grandma because of the quality time we spent with each other. I am so happy to know that I will always be able to look back and remember all the funny, sad, and amazing days I shared with her. When grandma was still mobile, we had all sorts of fun. Her number one thing to do, besides DANCE, was people watching. She loved just driving around looking at all the signs and counting cars. She always asked if I had to go to the mall, in which I didn’t object and went to Forever 21, even with dementia every time she said “this place looks familiar.” Grandma for some reason always knew when we were standing in Target and she always made me smile when she never understood the concept of using a quiet voice in the library. I have to say as much as I have learned from her… I taught her a few things too! Like my eating habits and young interests, this consisted of diet coke and balance bars or popcorn for lunch and MTV shows. She definitely dreaded shower day, and hated getting up for the day, but absolutely LOVED dessert, naptime and bedtime, which she considered “the BEST time of the day.” Grandma LOVED ice cream and always said, “I will never refuse ice cream” and would talk about the days her parents owned an ice cream parlor.
My sister said, “I wish grandma would never age and we could have her forever.” My siblings and I are very privileged to have had the relationships we did with our grandparents. Due to these relationships, our love for grandma only grew stronger and stronger, making it harder as grandma got worse. Even in grandma’s final days, we didn’t want her to leave. Monday night was the last conversation I had with her. Although she was a little out there with her words and thoughts, she was ready. I often had conversations with grandma about God and dying. I came to understand that she was not scared of dying. She had accepted it and knew her time was coming. She was at peace waiting because she knew that God knew the exact right time for her to enter Heaven and be with grandpa again. I asked her what she thought Heaven was like, and she said she couldn’t explain it, that it was just perfect. This is why as much as I HURT over not being able to see her again, feel her hugs and warmth, hear her laughter and voice, see her smile and blow kisses, I am happy that she has finally reached her perfect life with God, her saints, and her beloved husband. My tears are not of sadness but joy from my excitement to know she is in a much better place, and I will have the most precious memories to cherish for the rest of my life. She has set the highest standard for all future grandmas and will NEVER be forgotten. I love you grandma and miss you!
